Crude Job Observations

The question “Am I Employable” is a difficult one. I mean, I work reasonably hard with a reasonable rate of success but will anybody ever want me to work for them. For those of us who aren’t airs to millions of dollars *cough* Paris Hilton *cough*, having a job can be the difference between living comfortably and crouching outside italian restaurants begging for scraps for the rest of your life.

A job can have many different definitions depending on who you are. For example if I had low standards I would maybe aim to work for Mac Donald’s with the hope of being promoted to McCafe (exciting..) and If I had high standards I could theoretically be aiming to be head of a large global cooperation, however this is not likely as I fear the evil that is associated with these businesses *cough* BP oil scandal *cough*. Some people define their jobs as a way to make money full stop, but others actually enjoy them .. shock horror. 

Others see their jobs as daunting, then again some seem to subconsciously use them as a tool to spy on people. I recently went to a popular Indian restaurant with some friends, for, not surprisingly, a curry. The waiters seemed to be reasonably professional and efficient but there was one unusual waitress of which gazed at us consciously for the duration of our meal, so close that I wondered if she thought her unflattering apron-thing was an invisibility cloak. I was told she was there to ensure that we didn’t run off without paying, more like some sort of crude stakeout if you ask me. So does having a job give one the right to act weirdly?  According to the ignorance she received, yes.

Apparently I am the only one who feels uncomfortable around wait staff in restaurants. Don’t get me wrong I don’t mind a bit of banter with them, but when it comes to the crunch I’d rather not have miss invisibility-apron breathing down my neck. My friends seemed oblivious to the presence of the waitress, and that my blog buddies is the key to it- to be seen but not heard in your jobs. This is the best piece of advice you will ever read [citation desperately needed].

I warn you now, to beware of the conniving wait staff. They no your secrets, your lies, your address and worst of all: they may just know your favourite type of curry.... 

..Ben

Mediocre Fashion Advice for Winter

I think we’ve all noticed the weather take a turn for the worst in the last couple of days, well I guess I have an excuse for not leaving the confines of home now. I’m like a prisoner trapped behind bars that are the aggressive streaks of rain plastered to the window. I’m joking, I love a warm and snug day now and again (thats an understatement, i never really leave the house). However cozy it is inside our houses we are going to have to venture outside at some stage, you may have friends to see, things to do and places to be (I wish) so you’re going to need some stylish and comfortable attire in order to brave the elements.  

I’m no fashionista but I don’t like to look drab and cheap, raggedy homeless person is so last season people. If you want to ever be employed or actually approached as a socially acceptable person you’re going to have to put some thought into what you wear. To prepare for winter we’re going to need to find things that look smart but are very user friendly at the same time. 

For men venturing into the colder months, I think shirts and sweater vests are very cool and are definitely an option for someone wanting something a bit different, (I’ve just bought one) because trying different things is fun. I’ve always felt nicely shaped blazers are very interesting but I’m yet to find one that I can see myself in as I hate garments that are notably to large and over-bearing on emaciated people such as myself. 

Dark colours are also great to reflect the depressing nature of the weather.

And that is about the extent of my knowledge of fashion...... extensive.......... Not

.. Ben :)

Fainting Fun

Contrary to the title, fainting is not as fun as it looks in the movies. I should know, as for some reason I am incredibly prone to it at the moment. To set the scene I was at the gym one day working on my guns (which don’t actually exist but I can pretend) when I suddenly felt sick, and to cut a long story short collapsed into the arms of my trainer. I was out cold for 30 seconds, and to my disappointment did not have any epiphanies while I was unconscious. So then, I wondered, as my gollum-like body lay sprawled on the floor: why the balls did this happen? After doing some brief research I discovered that I am not intelligent enough to understand the logistics of blacking out, and I should therefore rely on illogical conclusions I have drawn out myself. 

So, getting out a pen and paper I began to jot down the possible reasons for my passing out. I eventually decided that I was either a) lovestruck b) allergic to exercise c) so skinny that I am sick. I eventually decided that the best option was to take myself to the doctor to get a check-up. The doctor concluded that nothing appeared to be wrong with me (apart from anxiety issues and crazy syndrome) but it would be best to get some blood tests done to look at the bigger picture. I must admit I am not the biggest fan of needles (understatement) but I duly hopped back into my little car and went to have some tests done.

The little asian nurse at the lab was the cutest thing ever, lets call her ‘Jenny’, and sat me down to have my blood taken out of me. I guess I began to freak out when my blood was purple but I am also a self -diagnosed colour blind citizen so I just put it down to my awful interpretation colours. As ‘Jenny’ drew the blood from my arm (which is about as thick as a walking stick) I stared hard at the weird pac man-like drawings on the wall. The pac man-like ‘things’ scowled at me and I was bought back to my time in Japan, but thats another post for another day. Anyway- back at the lab I began to sweat like crazy person (which I suppose I am) and my vision very quickly went blurry and weird. I told ‘Jenny’ that I was about to black out and she responded by crazily trying to lift me out of the chair I was on and onto the floor (‘Jenny’ is about as tall as a four year old and her attempts at moving me on her own accord were frivolous). I told ‘Jenny’ that I was perfectly fine to move myself to the floor, so I did so and she shoved a bin under my legs to get the blood flowing towards my heart. 

So I suppose ‘Jenny’ saved me from fainting and cracking my head open which is quite nice... I must admit that I hope this is the end of my fainting chronicles. Maybe it is a mind game I am playing with myself but I hope to say ‘Sayonara’ to these situations once and for all. Lets hope that when my purple blood samples come back they will be able to tell me something.. good things!

Ben :)

Travel Tips

As a devout travel lover I often can’t resist going on mad rampages telling people about my various excursions overseas. Having been to various Pacific Islands, Australia and Japan I see myself as a reasonably seasoned traveller, despite the fact I can’t navigate an airport and would therefore most likely miss all my flights if I attempted to travel solo. I am probably contradicting myself now, due to the fact todays blog post is on in-flight travel tips: 

1. If traveling in cattle class, bring appropriate weapons to defend yourself from the savages that travel in this part of the aircraft. You never who you may meet in economy. Being a tall but very skinny person myself, I am at risk of being squashed and having my bones broken if I happen to have two large people on either side of me. To avoid this problem, I recommend frightening them into moving elsewhere. If this fails, abort the mission immediately- Lock yourself in the toilet and refuse to come out for the rest of the flight.
2. Don’t forget your luggage (sure you hadn’t thought of that one)
3. Make up a sob stories for the cabin crew so they give you extra attention. Things like: ‘I’m an angel but my wings are clipped’ and ‘ I’m lost’ go down a treat.
4. Avoid the scrambled eggs at all cost. Its more like scrambled vomit.  
5. Bring a compass and map of the sea in the event that your seat ejects you james-bond style.  
6. Be polite and avoid making a scene if the overhead lockers fly open and you are knocked out by falling luggage. There a worse things that could have happened.. like eating vomit or something.

If you follow my simple advice you are sure to have a blast when you reach your destination...  Well hopefully there wouldn’t be an actual ‘blast’- that would be awful.

Ben :)